All Roads Lead Back To You
by SpyKid18
Summary: Rachel attends Jesse's Broadway debut. ST. BERRY
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I could not be happier that the St. Berry ship has set sail once again! I hope you all enjoy this!**

All Roads Lead Back To You

Rachel stood in front of her closet, going through each outfit with the drilled precision of a soldier. She pushed one outfit to the reject stack and then reconsidered, tugging it back into view for a second evaluation. After a moment she shook her head and pushed it to the side, tugging the next outfit forward.

"I haven't seen you look this determined since you were picking out all the lyric changes in the movie version of _The Last Five Years_," Kurt noted, walking into her bedroom.

"I still don't understand why there were so many," she said, glancing over her shoulder at him. "Some of my favorite lines, too."

"That's what happens when you take genius to the masses."

Rachel smirked, turning her attention back to her closet. She pulled a dress forward and paused, tilting her head to the side.

"That's not an opening night dress," Kurt said. "That's a third date, hoping to score dress. Unless, of course, we're considering this the third date."

"The two coffees do not count," Rachel returned promptly. "Besides, those were right after Sam and I broke up."

Kurt shrugged. "I don't see your point."

"Besides, he's been having lots of _coffees _lately. Ever since he taught that seminar class at NYADA every female student has been calling him to sit down for 'career advice'."

The disapproval was evident, and Kurt couldn't help but point out, "If you were in their position, you would do the same exact thing."

"Of course I would," Rachel said, pulling a dark purple shift dress out of her closet. It dipped low in the back and hit mid-thigh, the perfect length on her petite frame. "But that's beside the point." She turned back toward Kurt and held the dress up. "What do you think?"

"I love it."

She began to undress, Kurt settling on the edge of the bed as he examined his nails. Propriety had long escaped their interactions, especially since she walked in on him and Blaine in a delicate position a few weeks prior when she was dropping off a movie she'd borrowed.

"So, what is your angle tonight?" Kurt asked.

Rachel walked over to him and gestured for him to zip her dress. He stood up and finished the zipper, patting her back when he was finished.

"I don't have an angle."

"Of course you do," he said. "You don't go to an ex-boyfriend's opening night without some angle."

"Um, yes you do. Besides, it's been so long since we've dated. We're just friends now."

"You're conveniently leaving out the whole part where he basically got you a part in that musical, and you guys kissed after Sectionals. I know you want to think you're just friends, but at least one part of this equation is feeling a bit more than friendly."

Rachel wound her hair into a bun at the nape of her neck. "Okay, for starters, he _recommended_ me for the part. Which any other number of people would have done for me. And the kiss was just…familiar. I don't know. I told you that it wasn't anything."

"I know," Kurt said. He went over to her vanity and fished through her jewelry until he found the perfect delicate gold necklace. He placed it around her neck and clasped it closed. "But, I just think you should admit that there is something there. Because there is. There always has been."

"I am excited to see him perform again," Rachel admitted, reaching up and running her fingers along the star-shaped charm on her necklace.

"Tell me if it's any good. Blaine and I might go next weekend."

"Of course it will be good," Rachel said automatically. "He's always good."

BBBBB

Jesse's show was being held at the Eugene O'Neil theater, and Rachel felt a familiar thrill sing through her veins as she walked into the lobby. She would never not find a theater absolutely enthralling. Even without performing herself, there was something magical about the plush carpeting and high ceilings. Theaters were a place where anything could happen, and usually did.

She spotted a group of NYADA groupies over by the cash bar and she quickly rushed past them, not wanting to get caught in their conversation. They'd learned pretty quickly that her and Jesse had history, and immediately she was attacked with questions and demands. What was it like singing with him? What was he really like? Did his hair feel as soft as it looked? She got by with as few words as she could, but the NYADA groupies hung on even those scarce words.

She walked into the theater, heading down to the front bay of seats. She'd splurged for a close aisle, not wanting to miss a minute of the action on stage. She saw that her seat was sandwiched between an older couple and a woman who looked like she could be the third Olson twin. She gingerly squeezed past the elderly couple, tripping on the wife's purse and nearly careening into the husband.

"I'm so sorry," she stammered.

"It's quite alright," he said, shooting her a good-natured grin. "You didn't twist your ankle or anything, did you?"

Rachel shook her head, dropping into her seat. "No, my ankle is fine."

"Good. Then we both are alright."

His wife laid a hand on his knee to get his attention and then pointed at the program in her lap.

"This is who I was telling you about, dear. Jesse St. James. This is his first Broadway show, and he is supposed to just be marvelous."

Rachel tried not to make it obvious that she was eavesdropping, but she couldn't help herself from leaning over a bit, wanting to catch every bit of the conversation.

"He was in a off-Broadway production of _Spring Awakening_," the man said, reading off Jesse's short biography. "Weren't we going to see that?"

"Not that production," his wife corrected easily, "But yes, the one at Covenant Garden. It's air conditioner broke, though, and it –"

"Was during July when we had all those insufferably hot days," he finished. "That was an awful month. I don't think I've ever sweat so much in my life."

Rachel opened up her own program and flipped through, trying to read the inscriptions, but really just waiting to see his picture. She felt her chest constrict the moment she flipped over to his smiling face. He looked so happy, and he probably was. Landing the first big Broadway role was a big deal. She saw the leading lady right below him, and thought to herself how that could have been her. She was content with her decision, and at the end of the day knew it was the right one for her, but she still couldn't help herself from thinking about what it would have been like if she took that leap of faith and joined him in the show.

She was just finishing up reading the program when the lights dimmed and the stage manager gave the usual pre-show spiel. The overture began and Rachel felt a thrill travel straight down her spine. The music was beautiful – no surprise there – and she closed her eyes as she let the melody flow through her.

Her eyes drifted open as he walked on stage, his presence on the cavernous stage filling it completely. With the first note of his song she felt herself pulled forward in her seat, breath held as his voice filled her ears. _God_, she had missed this. Hearing him run drills during the seminar hadn't been like this. His voice had been strong and pure, like it always was, but this was _performing_. This was the Jesse she'd unwittingly fallen in love with all those years before, and she felt such a yearning that she had to cross her legs.

It all was beginning to feel a bit too overwhelming, and then the female lead walked on stage and the moment was broken. The girl had a pleasant enough voice, but Rachel kept envisioning herself on that stage, singing the same lines, but differently. She sat back in her seat, inwardly telling herself to stop overanalyzing the show and just enjoy it. When Jesse began singing again, his voice sliding up and down the notes in a way that almost seemed too personal for an audience, she had little troubling in the enjoying.

It was a compact show, made to feel even more compressed and urgent with the lack of an intermission, and by the time the finale rolled around Rachel felt emotionally drained. She could tell the audience shared this sentiment, all of them languishing in the final notes of the closing song, sated like after a large meal. The curtain fell and then sprung back up for curtain call. The audience rose to its feet, clapping along as the bit players ran out for their moment in the spotlight. The applause was near deafening by the time Jesse ran out, his face slick with sweat from the stage lights, and eyes bright. He dipped down into a bow and hesitated for a fraction of a second on his way up, his eyes locking with Rachel's.

Just as quickly as the moment happened it was over, the cast joining hands and executing one final bow. They disappeared behind the curtain, waving as it dropped to the floor with a resounding thud.

BBBBB

Rachel found herself nervous at the stage door. She almost didn't go, something about that moment in the audience rattling her, but she knew she'd regret it if she slipped home without telling him how much she enjoyed the show. The stage door was packed, young teenagers crooning on about Jesse like he was the newest member of New Directions, and of course, the NYADA groupies staked their spot right in front, all of them with freshly applied lipstick and perfume.

Rachel hung back, not wanting to be a part of the mess of nails and egos. She'd wait her turn. While she waited for the cast to walk out she texted Kurt, telling him how great the show had been. He responded in a way that was classically him.

_How many impure thoughts did you have?_

_If you say zero, I know you are lying._

She chuckled, and typed back.

_I refuse to answer this question._

_(Two. Maybe three.)_

The loud surge of noise alerted her to the cast's arrival and she glanced up, smile pulling at her mouth as she took in the sight of Jesse surrounded by his fans, unsuccessfully trying to cater to everyone. She watched him sign one fan's playbill while taking a photograph with another fan. He looked stretched thin, being pulled from one fan to another, but she knew he loved it. This was what they were working toward for all those years.

The NYADA groupies were playing at their absolute most prepared, grabbing his attention and holding it with an iron-clad fist. Rachel counted at least five unnecessary arm strokes, and one ill-conceived cheek kiss that Rachel could tell by the stiffening of Jesse's shoulders was not appreciated. As he pulled back, physically putting some distance between himself and the groupies, his gaze went further back and directly onto her. His smile shifted, growing larger almost, and she nodded, giving him a small wave.

She didn't want to pull him from his other fans, but he excused himself and walked over, stuffing his hands in his pockets. She pressed her lips together to smooth her lip gloss, hoping that she didn't look as nervous as she felt.

"Rachel, you're here. I thought I saw you in the audience."

"I told you I would come to your opening night," she said. "You were wonderful, by the way. The people around me could not stop raving about you. But, of course, I wasn't surprised. Oh, before I forget…" she reached into her purse and pulled out a bright pink plastic Easter egg with his name scrawled on it. "As promised."

He laughed, taking the egg from her. "You weren't joking about this."

"I was going to bring a hard boiled egg but then I realized I don't actually know how to make those."

He smirked. "I think you just boil the egg. It's pretty self-explanatory."

"I guess," she said slowly. "But then it wouldn't have been pink."

He shook his head, thinking to himself that of course Rachel would want the egg to be pink. He slipped it into the pocket of his jacket and said, "Well, thank you for my pink egg. I promise to cherish it."

"You better. I had to go to three Walgreens to find that. You'd think it being around Easter all of the drug stores would have Easter decorations, but that's not true."

Jesse laughed. "I promise you it will be center stage on my fireplace mantel. So, you liked the show?"

"No," she said simply, catching a confused glanced from him. She grinned and told him, "I loved it. Every single part from beginning to end. It was wonderful."

"Thank you. Coming from you, that really means something."

"I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed I turned down that role now," she said. "It's pretty good stuff."

"It is," he echoed. "Natalie's really good up there, but…" he leaned in, hand bracing her arm. "I think we both know I was always hoping it would be you."

She blushed as he pulled back, trying to cover her sudden lack of words with a dainty cough.

"So, first show done," she finally said. "That has to be pretty exciting. How are you celebrating?"

"The cast and crew is having drinks down at this old pub," he said. "It's not special but it's a place we all used to go to during rehearsals."

"That sounds nice," Rachel said.

"You should come with," he said suddenly.

Rachel, taken aback, stammered, "Oh, I don't want to crash your guys' party. I mean, you're all celebrating your opening night. That's –"

"I want you to be there," he said. "Look, whenever I thought about my first Broadway show, I always sort of imagined you being there."

She stared up at him, completely dumbfounded. "You did? Really?"

He nodded. "I did. And now you are here. So, would you please celebrate with me? It wouldn't feel completely right without you there."

She nodded, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ears. "Okay, sure. I'll celebrate with you."

BBBBB

The Pub ended up being only a few blocks from the theater, so they walked, talking about everything and nothing as they made their way through the city. He asked her about her family. She asked him how it felt to be NYADA's most popular guest instructor.

"If I had any idea it would be like that I wouldn't have done it," he said, laughing after Rachel recounted the less than covert attraction the female – and some male – students had toward him.

"Oh please, you love it."

"I felt like they all kept singing with these bedroom eyes. Even when the song in no way called for them."

Rachel laughed. "You know, I knew there was something off about that one girl's performance of _Send In The Clowns."_

"You were great, by the way," he said, knocking his elbow against hers. "Not that you need me to tell you that."

"Really?" she asked. She'd been nervous that day, having been sick for the entire week with a chest cold and only recovering her voice the day before.

"Why do you sound so surprised?" he asked with genuine disbelief.

"I thought it was awful," she said. "I'd been so sick that week. And then…" she trailed off, almost blurting out the second part of why that week had been the one from hell.

"Then what?"

"Sam and I broke up," she said.

He nodded, an uncomfortable silence falling between them.

"You should sing that song at your showcase," he said, breaking the silence. "It was really good."

"I don't know. I was thinking of singing _Still Hurting _from _The Last Five Years_."

"Art imitating life?" he asked lightly, although she could sense the real question behind it.

"No," she said honestly. "I just really love that song. But, I don't know. I haven't fully decided."

"Well, I'm looking forward to seeing what you choose," Jesse said.

She looked up at him. "Does that mean you're coming to the showcase?"

"Of course," he said immediately. "I already bought my ticket."

She laughed. "No, you didn't."

He sent her this challenging look and then pulled his phone out of his pocket, swiping in and typing something quickly. After a moment he handed her the phone. Plain on the screen was the order confirmation for the showcase tickets.

"You did," Rachel said with a grin, handing him the phone back. "I'm impressed. It isn't for a few weeks."

He shrugged, sliding the phone back into his pocket. "I didn't want to chance it being sold out."

They walked the rest of the way to the pub in a comfortable silence, their gaits perfectly matched and bodies inching closer until their hands brushed between them. He took her hand and gave it a small squeeze.

"I'm really happy you came tonight," he said.

Rachel felt his words wash over her and murmured, "Me too."

BBBBB

"I remember you," Natalie said to Rachel, leaning forward with one hand wrapped loosely around a large stein of beer. "You auditioned right before me. I remember standing outside of the audition room and practically shitting myself. You were good."

Rachel smiled uncomfortably. "Thank you."

"I should be thanking you," Natalie said with a laugh. "I heard the first offer turned down the role. I'm guessing that was you."

Rachel nodded, glancing over at Jesse. She wondered how much this Natalie actually knew about her and Jesse's history, and why she'd turned down the role.

"I accepted an offer at NYADA instead," Rachel explained, taking a small sip of her beer. It tasted sour and she winced slightly as she set it back down on the table.

"NYADA," Natalie repeated. "Is that how you know Jesse?" She turned her attention to Jesse and said, "That's where you led that one seminar, right?"

"Yes," Jesse said. "But Rachel and I know each other from high school."

Natalie glanced between them, mouth screwed to the side, and then said, "You guys dated, didn't you? I'm feeling some sort of vibe between you."

Jesse laughed. "Yes, we did. I actually transferred to her school to woo her."

Rachel snorted. "You're leaving out a lot of that story, buddy."

Interest piqued, Natalie said, "This sounds dramatic. Tell me everything."

Rachel looked over at Jesse and he shrugged as if to say, tell her how ever much you want. With the distance from what happened, she found it relatively easy to tell the story – enjoyable, even. The entire thing had a sort of screwy romantic comedy feel to it, almost, and it seemed fitting. Her and Jesse's story would be one made for the stage.

"And then here we are," Rachel finished. "Sitting at a pub, without even an ounce of animosity left. Except perhaps on my part for the awful scarves phase he went through."

"They were not that bad," Jesse argued.

"They were very bad," Rachel held, laughing at the wounded look on his face. "Come on. How can you honestly think they were not bad?"

"It was the fashion at the time!"

"No, it was _your_ fashion. Even Kurt said he wouldn't have touched them."

Jesse's eyes widened. "Ouch."

Rachel laughed, impulsively leaning forward and patting his cheek. "Don't worry. You have very good style now."

He grinned, reaching up and catching her hand with his.

"Well, thank you. Maybe I should try those scarves again. I might have grown into them."

She laughed, more out of reflex at what he said, her mind very much on the fact that her hand was encased in his for the second time that night, and he didn't seem to be thinking of letting it go. She wasn't thinking of pulling away, either.

BBBBB

Rachel stood at the jukebox, scrolling through the music selections. She'd put in three dollars, which let her choose the next three songs. She scrolled through the artist selections, grinning at the number of unconventional bar artists that she found.

"If you choose Barbra Streisand everyone in this pub will hate you," Jesse said, suddenly beside her.

She laughed, glancing up at him. "I'm not choosing Barbra Streisand. Although, I would argue her music is perfect for any setting."

"I know you would and I tend to agree. But, I'm just here to save you from the pub-goers' ire. It's a Friday night. Things can get rowdy."

"Don't you worry," she told him with characteristic Rachel-Berry-determination. "I am going to choose the perfect songs. I'll have this entire pub up and singing."

"What are you thinking?"

She arched a single eyebrow, as if to tell him to wait and see, and then turned back to the jukebox screen. She scrolled over to the "R"s and clicked on The Rolling Stones. She heard Jesse murmur his approval as she selected _Brown Sugar_. Next, she hopped on over to the "P"s and clicked on The Proclaimers, selecting the always appropriate _500 Miles (I'm Gonna Be)_.

"I underestimated you," Jesse said, smile evident in his voice.

"And now, to round out my wonderful selections…" she went over to the "T"s and clicked on Taylor Swift.

"No, you're not," Jesse groaned.

"Oh yes. Yes, I am."

"This is hurting my soul just a little," Jesse complained, watching her scroll through the long list of songs. "If you choose _We Are Never Getting Back Together _I might have to leave."

She snorted. "Calm down. Have I failed you yet in my song choices?"

"No," he admitted.

"Then have some faith."

"In you? I always do."

She glanced up at him, and felt a bit lightheaded when she realized just how close they were standing. His body was angled toward her, one hand stuffed in his pocket and the other braced on the edge of the jukebox. It would only take the slightest inch forward for their bodies to touch, and she found herself wanting that more than she cared to admit.

Her eyes met his and something in his gaze shifted. He moved closer, hand coming out of his pocket and resting lightly on the small of her back. Needing some distraction, she turned back to the jukebox screen and determinedly scrolled through the offerings. She selected _Shake It Off _with an assured tap of her finger on the screen. She looked up at Jesse triumphantly and said, "That is how you choose songs on a jukebox."

"Very impressive," he returned with feigned sincerity. "You should teach a class or something."

_Brown Sugar_ started up, and a man over by the bar went, "Man, I love this song!"

Rachel smirked, tilting her head to the side as she returned, "I prove my point."

His hand was still on her back, and she'd somehow scooted closer to him, her hip pressing against his. He looked down at her with that smile that she'd always thought of as hers, and she thought to herself how easy it would be to just reach up and tug his mouth to hers. What was stopping her? She was single. As far as she knew, he was, too. They were together at a pub after his Broadway debut, and it seemed to all make sense. Just as she'd made the decision, her palms itching at her side, Natalie called over to them.

Whatever spell had been over them disappeared and Jesse dropped his hand, moving away from her.

"Yeah, Nat?" he called back.

"We're doing another round. Are you two in?"

"I think I'm actually going to head home," Rachel said, suddenly feeling a very real need to get as far from the pub as possible. She almost kissed him. Sure, they'd kissed before, but it was always in those in-between moments when nothing could really happen, so there was no risk. But now, everything was different. Because they weren't in-between. For probably the first time since he'd approached her in that music store all those years before they were meeting on the same playing field as equals, and it scared her.

"Didn't you just pay for three songs?" Jesse asked in confusion.

"Consider it my gift to this pub," she said, spinning the lie quickly. "I have rehearsal tomorrow morning. I need some sleep."

"Okay. I'll walk you out to get a cab."

"No, stay," she said. "You're celebrating, remember?"

"Are you sure?" he said. "Because I'm pretty good at hailing cabs. It's on my resume and everything."

She smirked. "I lived here for an entire year without you to hail me cabs and did just fine. You stay here with your friends."

He seemed reluctant, but he nodded anyway.

"Okay. Thank you for coming out with me. It was nice."

"Yeah, it was," she said softly. It was nice, and he was nice, and she really had to get out of there.

"We should do it again, maybe?" he asked. "I hear there's this thing called dinner. It's all the rage now."

She laughed. "Is that so?"

"I'll call you," he said.

She nodded. "Okay."

She went over to the table with him and said goodbye briefly before heading out. In the crisp night air she felt her head clear, and she thought about that moment back by the jukebox, and how warm Jesse's hand had felt against her back. She thought about all those in-between moments, and how they'd felt more real than anything she ever had with Sam.

Impulsively she turned back to the pub, only to find Jesse standing in front of her. Before she could say a word he stepped forward and kissed her, hands framing her face as his mouth moved deftly against hers. She smiled against his mouth, relief flooding her chest. She couldn't believe that she almost ran away from this.

He pulled away slightly and said, "I wanted to do that the entire time we were in there."

"I did, too," she admitted.

He leaned in and kissed her again, her body practically singing against his as she felt bits of her stir that hadn't been stirred in quite some time. A cab rolled to a stop behind them, and Jesse pulled away slightly to murmur, "Do you still need that cab?"

She nodded with a small smile playing on her lips. "Yeah."

He watched her turn away from him and walk over to the cab, opening the door and sliding in. She peaked her head out of the open doorway and asked, "Are you coming?"

He grinned and slipped into the cab, closing the door beside him. His hand rested heavily on her leg and they barely got her address out before her hands slipped into his jacket, and his mouth found her neck.

They slept in the next day.

**A/N: So, I MIGHT make this multi-chapter. If you want more, let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I could not be happier that the St. Berry ship has set sail once again! I hope you all enjoy this!**

Chapter Two

Rachel ran down the street, enjoying the feel of the pavement hitting her feet. She was an elliptical girl back in Lima, but when she moved to New York for the second time she swore she would see more of the city, and what better way to do that than to hit the pavement? She ended up really loving running. She liked the feeling of the scenery rushing past her and the wind against her skin. Running outdoors brought her the greatest rush of endorphins, even with inclement weather. One of her favorite runs had been during an unexpected rain shower. Her clothes were soak through, and her bangs dripped water into her eyes, and it was oddly exhilarating.

She'd been trying to get Kurt to run with her for weeks, but he always told her that sweating was bad for his skin. After many ambitious speeches, and a few pleas, she finally wore him down.

"This is literally hell," Kurt gasped, trying to keep up with her. "Why did I agree to this again?"

"It's good for you!" Rachel said, running in place as he came to a stop and leaned over, hands braced on his legs as he breathed heavily. "Don't you feel all the endorphins rushing through you? That unbridled joy?"

"What are you talking about?" he said, looking up at her wearily. "The only things I feel are my lungs about to burst. And a really bad cramp in my side. Seriously. It feels like I tore my side open."

"You need to run through the pain," Rachel said emphatically, still bouncing from one foot to the other. "That's how you get off your fitness plateau. You _burst _through it. Come on! Let's keep going!"

She bound off down the street, and heard Kurt grumble behind her, "I hate you."

Recognizing that Kurt was doing her a favor in accompanying her on her run, she slowed down to accommodate him. Even at the slower pace, she still felt the charge running through her body, and the pleasant pull of her muscles. They turned the corner and she stopped suddenly, her heart slamming against her chest.

Jesse was sitting on a bench, a small blonde next to him with her hand resting on his leg. He leaned in and said something that sent her into peals of laughter.

"Oh, now you're stopping," Kurt said between staggering breaths. "What happened to bursting through…whatever it was you said before? I can't remember. I think oxygen has stopped going to my brain."

Rachel quickly darted behind a tree. When he didn't follow she beckoned frantically. He sighed and followed her.

"Why are we hiding behind a tree?" he asked.

"Look at the bench in front of Schneider's Bakery."

He went to step out and she grabbed his arm and jerked him back.

"No! Don't actually _look _look. Just…look."

"You literally are making no sense right now," he said slowly. "Just…I'm going to peek my head out to look. Please don't freak out."

She bit her bottom lip anxiously and nodded, bracing one hand on the tree as she watched him gingerly glance around the tree. He returned his attention to her and said, "Jesse St. James is on that bench. With a girl in an awful dress."

She nodded dejectedly and his eyes widened. "Oh my God. Something happened after his show. I knew it!"

"Not just after his show," Rachel said quickly, feeling a self righteous flare-up. "Practically every night after that, too. I've either been at his apartment, or he's been at mine. But, the fact is that things are _happening_. Oh, they are happening, and he's over there with her? That's ridiculous. You know what? I'm going over there."

Kurt grabbed her arm as she flew past him and tugged her back.

"Rachel, stop. You cannot stalk over there and start yelling."

"Why not?" she shot back, reaching up and smoothing her ponytail. "This feels like a moment for yelling."

"Have you guys had the talk yet?" he asked.

She stared at him. "The talk? What talk?"

"The define the relationship talk," he explained slowly. "If you guys haven't talked yet, then…"

"Then what?" she pressed. "He can just go around and see other people?"

The moment she said it, she knew the answer. Kurt, seeing the change in her expression, nodded and said, "I know it's hard. But, just wait and talk to him about it later. Barging over there isn't going to do you any good."

Rachel took a deep breath. "What if I just went over there to say hi? Really casual, you know?"

"Rachel, you've never been casual a day in your life," Kurt said plainly. "Just wait. Bring it up next time you see him, and see what he says."

Rachel nodded, although he could clearly see that she still wanted to go over there and mark her territory. He took her hand and said, "Let's continue this awful run, okay? I think some endorphins would probably help right now."

"Okay, yes. Endorphins. Good. Let's go."

She bound off around the tree again at a much quicker clip than before. Kurt struggled behind her, thinking to himself that he would never get himself rooked into running with Rachel again.

BBBBB

Ever since she was little, Rachel cleaned when she was anxious. She still remembered the odd fight between her parents growing up, and how her bedroom would be spotless afterwards. With Rachel's mind squarely on Jesse and the girl he'd been with, she attacked her already clean apartment with vigor. She made up her own eco-friendly cleaning solution and scrubbed every single surface that she could reach with her bright pink scrubbing sponge.

Jesse was supposed to be over for dinner at seven, and she'd offered to cook, not wanting to have the conversation they were bound to have if she worked up enough courage in public. Whatever his response, she wanted her reaction to not be viewed by an entire restaurant.

Her phone buzzed, and she glanced back, sighing before setting the toothbrush she'd been using to clean the stove grates on the counter. She walked over and saw a text from Kurt.

_Blaine and I both wish you luck tonight._

_Be strong!_

She didn't feel strong. She felt nervous and a bit sweaty. She didn't want to have this conversation. They were only dating – if they were even doing that – for a few weeks. Was it too soon to have the conversation? Would she scare him off? And what did she even want from the conversation? She'd practically gone from relationship to relationship during high school, and it had been much the same after. Wasn't this the time in her life where she was supposed to be exploring her options? Seeing all that the vibrant city had to offer?

She was so preoccupied by these thoughts that she forgot about her lasagna cooking away in the oven until she could smell it burning. Swearing under her breath she opened the oven door, coughing as smoke billowed out. This was precisely why she needed to get the timer fixed on her oven. She heard a knock on her door and wiped at her damp brow, kicking the oven door shut before walking over to the door.

Jesse grinned when he saw her, but it dimmed slightly when the acrid smell of burnt cheese hit his nose.

"Let me guess, we're ordering in?"

"I lost track of time," she said by way of apology, stepping back to let him in. He walked over to her to give her a kiss, but she stepped away from him, spouting out some excuse about how she had to deal with the burned lasagna. Jesse took his coat off and tossed it on her couch.

"So, were you out running yesterday?" he asked casually. "Over by Madison and North Avenue?"

Rachel froze. "Um, yeah. Why?"

"I just thought I saw you. It, um, looked like you saw me too."

She nodded, putting the horror of a lasagna on the counter. "I did."

"So, you saw who I was with."

She nodded again. "Yep."

"Well, do you want to talk about it?"

She hadn't expected him to bring it up, and it caught her by surprise. With him asking, it would be so easy to just say that it didn't matter. Say that she didn't want to talk about it, and they could go on doing what they were doing.

"I think we should talk about it," Jesse pressed.

"Why?" she asked.

"Well, for starters, you hid behind a tree when you saw me."

"I went behind there to do some stretching," she said quickly. "My hamstrings were feeling tight."

"Rachel –"

"Look, if you were on a date it's fine," she said. "I mean, we haven't talked about us. If there even is an us. So, it's fine. I'm fine."

"I like to think there's an us," he said after a moment.

"You do?" she asked immediately. Suddenly, this talk seemed worthwhile.

"Of course I do. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for something serious right now. I'm so busy with my show. I mean, this is the only night I get off. I don't think I'm really in a place where I can commit."

She stared at him, feeling an equal urge to cry and laugh. "You can't commit?"

"I just think we should keep it more casual right now. Just enjoy ourselves, you know?"

"Yeah, totally," she said reflexively. "Casual. I get that. I totally get that."

"You're upset," he said. "I didn't mean –"

"I'm not upset," she held. "I'm fine. Really."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Because –"

She leaned over and kissed him, her mouth against his effectively silencing him. When she pulled away she told him, "I'm fine. Now, what do we want for dinner?"

BBBBB

"I'm not fine," Rachel lamented, sitting in Kurt and Blaine's living room. She was wrapped in a tartan blanket, her empty wine glass settled on the coffee table in front of her. "Casual? He wants to be _casual_? What even is that? He's been after me for years. YEARS."

"Maybe it's exactly what he said," Blaine offered. "It's a busy time for him in his life. He doesn't have the time to really be in a relationship."

"I don't need constant attention," Rachel said.

Kurt gave her a look. "Really?"

"I just think you should maybe look at this from his point of view," Blaine said. "It might not be as bad as you think. And it may have nothing to do with you."

"Whose side are you on anyway?" she spat irritably, leaning forward to pick up her empty wine glass. "And I need more wine!"

"Rachel, maybe you should have told him that you didn't want to be casual," Kurt said sensibly. "And, you're not getting any more wine. You already had two glasses, and I know at three you start sadly singing Alanis Morisette."

"I couldn't say I didn't want to be casual," Rachel said, pulling her knees into her chest.

"Why not?"

"I really like him," she admitted. "When I'm with him it feels…it feels like I'm finally where I belong. I've never met someone who feels like home, but he does. And I'm afraid if I tell him I can't do casual I'll lose that."

"You're not happy, though," Kurt said. "You don't do casual."

"I know. But I can try. I _want _to try. Every new experience is a learning experience, right?"

Kurt and Blaine exchanged a look. "I guess."

"And I've lived a pretty sheltered life. This could be good for me. To get some different life experience."

"I just don't want to see you unhappy," Kurt said. "Promise me that if this really makes you unhappy you'll tell him."

"I will," Rachel said. "I'll tell him."

BBBBB

Rachel didn't know just when the casual relationship thing would come into play, but it happened surprisingly quickly. She went out with Jesse and his cast for drinks later that week, and found herself cornered by one of the male cast members, Nicholas.

She was playing a game of darts with Natalie, the show's female lead, and Nicholas came over and laughed as she ineffectually threw her dart at the board. It hit the bit of board outside of the playing area.

"Wow, you are really bad."

She glanced back at him and said, "I'd like to note that that particular throw was out of character."

"Oh, really?" he challenged lightly.

"I'm getting more drinks," Natalie said. "You guys want something?"

Rachel shook her head. "I'm good."

Nicholas said, "Get me a Magners. I'll cover next round."

Natalie went off to the bar and Nicholas said, "Alright, let's see another throw."

He grabbed one of the darts off of Nicole's board and held it out to her. She took it, starting a bit when her fingers brushed against his. Clearing her throat, she faced the board and prepared for her throw.

"Are you going to throw it anytime soon?" he teased.

"A throw cannot be rushed," she said. "You must give it the proper time and attention."

"Oh my God, just throw the thing already!"

She smirked and executed a near perfect throw, the dart landing just outside of the bulls-eye. She pumped her fist and went, "Yes!"

"Okay, that's pretty impressive. But how do I know that wasn't just a fluke?"

She held out her hand with a challenging raised eye brow and he grinned, going over to Nicole's board and plucking another arrow from it. He handed it over and she executed another near perfect throw.

"Okay, I stand corrected. You are not bad. You're actually good. Like, really good."

She grinned and did a small curtsy. "Thank you."

He snorted. "Did you just curtsy?"

"Yes. Yes, I did."

Natalie returned with his drink and when she saw her near empty board went, "Nick, what the hell? We were in the middle of a game."

"Sorry," he said off-handedly, taking a sip of his drink. "Rachel and I had a disagreement to settle."

"And?" Natalie asked expectantly.

"I won," Rachel said happily.

Natalie laughed. "Well, that's expected. But, did you really need to ruin my board?" She pointed at the pile of unused darts on a nearby table. "There are darts literally right there."

Rachel heard someone call out for her and she glanced over her shoulder, seeing Jesse over by the bar and beckoning her to come over. She excused herself from her group and went over to him.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Do you want to get out of here?" he asked, hand sliding around her waist to rest on the small of her back. "I have some of your favorite ice cream in my freezer."

"Mint chocolate?" she asked with a grin.

"The one and only. What do you say?"

She glanced back at Nicholas and Natalie, who'd started up another game of darts. "I don't know. I'm sort of having fun.  
"With Nicholas?" Jesse asked casually, but there was something in his voice that caught her off-guard.

She looked up at him. "Yeah. With Nicholas. And Natalie. And _you_."

"I'm just not in a mood to be out tonight," he said. "So, I think I'm going to leave."

He clearly expected her to leave with him, and she felt a flare of indignation. She had no doubt that him not being in the mood that night was because she had spent part of it with Nicholas, and that wasn't fair. He wanted things to be casual, and that was what she was doing.

"Then I guess I'll see you later," she said.

"You're staying?" he stammered.

"Yeah. I told you, I'm having fun. I'm not ready to leave."

She could read the hesitation plainly on his face, and almost thought for a moment that he was going to stay. But then he pushed off of the bar and said, "Okay, fine. Then I'll see you later. Be careful getting home."

She nodded. "I will."

He paused for a moment before leaving, her gaze following him all the way out of the bar. She stood there by herself at the bar before Nicholas joined her. He settled beside her at the bar and asked, "So, what exactly is going on between you and Jesse?"

She looked over at him in surprise. "Um, we're sort of together. But it's casual."

"It's casual," he repeated.

She nodded. "Yes. It's casual."

"So, does that mean if I ask you out to dinner you'll say yes?"

Her immediate answer was no. She didn't want to go to dinner. She didn't want to do any of that stuff with someone who wasn't Jesse, but she thought about Jesse and that girl on the bench, and before she could overthink it she said, "Yes."

BBBBB

Rachel got home around midnight and was just settling into bed when there was a knock on her door. She yawned, padding over to the door and peaking through the peep hole on her door. When she saw it was Jesse she stepped back, smiling a bit to herself. She opened the door and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you got home alright," he said.

"And you came all this way to do that?" she asked with a small smile. "You know, a call would have worked, too."

"I know," he said. "But I wanted to see you. Can I…" he gestured toward her apartment and she nodded, stepping back to let him in. She closed the door and felt his arms go around her waist, his breath against her neck. She turned in his arms and tilted her face up toward his, sighing against his mouth as he kissed her.

"It's pretty late," he murmured. "I think I should probably stay here tonight."

"Yeah," she said, pressing her cheek against his chest. "You probably should."

**A/N: Don't hate me! There will be glorious exclusive St. Berry times ahead! I promise! Also, I have not seen the Glee finale yet, so please no spoilers!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I could not be happier that the St. Berry ship has set sail once again! I hope you all enjoy this!**

Chapter Three

Rachel always enjoyed dates. She liked the pageantry of it all. Getting dressed. Preparing her conversation topics. It had all the elements of a performance, and she treated it as much the same. Barring some unforeseen disaster, there was no date that Rachel prepared for that didn't go wonderfully.

Nicholas was nice. He took her to an all raw restaurant for their first date when he learned she was a vegan, which she knew was quite the sacrifice for a carnivore like himself. He wore a suit jacket and pulled out her chair. It had all the makings of the perfect date, and she enjoyed herself.

But she missed Jesse.

It was a constant presence, all the way from when Nicholas picked her up from her apartment to the lively conversation over dinner. He responded to something that she said, and all Rachel could think about was what Jesse would have said, instead. She kept telling her mind to knock it off. This was casual dating. This was what they both wanted, but she couldn't help but think as the night went on that it was what only one of them wanted. Or maybe neither, really, when it came down to the truth. Because the entire dinner Jesse kept texting her, despite her slipping into conversation the day before that she was having dinner with Nicholas. Or perhaps he kept texting her exactly for that reason.

"So, I had a really nice time tonight," Nicholas said, walking her up to her doorway. She could hear her phone buzz in her purse, and knew it was Jesse.

"I did, too," she said. Her phone continued to buzz and she gave him a sheepish look as she said, "I'm sorry. Can I just…" she pulled out her phone, and sure enough it was Jesse. She silenced the call. "I'm back. Sorry about that. I –"

"It's okay," Nicholas said with a small laugh. "It's just a phone call. I've been known to have them on occasion, too."

She grinned. "That is very true. Anyway, I was starting to say that I also had a really nice time tonight. Thank you for the raw restaurant. I sincerely hope you enjoy the burger you are picking up on your way home."

He laughed. "It wasn't half bad. I mean…that eggplant stack…"

"Was gross," she finished knowingly. "I saw your face when you took the first bite."

"It was pretty awful," he admitted. "That part. But, the rest…" he stepped closer, "…I don't have any complaints."

His hands found her waist and he brought his mouth down to hers. With his mouth against hers, Rachel again thought that this was nice. She hadn't kissed too many boys in her twenty some years, and Nicholas didn't find himself in the bottom half when it came to his oral skills. He pulled back with a slight smile.

"I should probably go before I totally ruin my reputation as a gentleman."

"Do you have that reputation?" she teased.

"Goodnight, Rachel."

"Goodnight, Nicholas."

He walked down her steps, glancing back once with this small smile playing on his lips. She let herself into her apartment just as her phone began to buzz again. She let out a frustrated sigh and pulled her phone out.

"You have literally the worst timing," she said by way of greeting.

"Well, hello to you," Jesse said.

This was just like him, to call and ruin perfectly nice moments without him.

"In case you forgot, I was on a date," she said pointedly. "Which, for the record, I told you repeatedly."

"Oh right, that was tonight," he said dismissively. "Are you home now?"

"Yes," she said guardedly, hoping he wouldn't ask to come over. She could do this casual dating, at least she thought she could, but back-to-back things may be too much for her.

"Look out your window," he said.

"Look out my window? Why?" she asked, already moving toward her window in the kitchen.

"Would you just do it?"

"Okay, okay, I'm here," she said, pulling the shade up. "What am I looking for?"

"Look at the moon. It's gorgeous tonight."

She sighed, resting her elbows on the windowsill. "Did you seriously call me to have me look at the moon?"

"Do you see the moon tonight? Of course I did."

She wanted to tell him that he was being ridiculous, but the moon was particularly beautiful that night. The sky was clear, touched only by a dusting of stars and then the roundest, brightest moon she had ever seen. Usually the smog of the city made the sky less than exciting, but tonight it was as if the sky was backlit.

"So, how was your date tonight?" he asked after a moment.

"It was nice," she said.

"What did you guys do?"

It felt weird discussing her date with him, and she told him that. He didn't seem phased.

"I just wanted to know how your day was, and that was part of your day, so…"

"My day was fine," she said. After a moment she asked, "How was yours?"

"Awful. I got a blueberry muffin from Hummingbird Café and there were hardly any blueberries in it."

She snorted. "That is an awful day. I am truly sorry."

"I'm going to go with the chocolate chip muffin instead tomorrow. Hopefully I will fare better."

"I will keep you and your muffin in my thoughts," she promised him with feigned solemnity.

They were both quiet for a moment, and after a beat she asked, "Jesse, did you really just call me to talk about the moon and our days?"

"Yeah," he said casually. "And, I don't know, I like talking to you before I go to bed. I like hearing your voice."

She could feel herself flush. "You like to hear my voice?"

"Don't let that go to your head," he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice. "But, yeah. I do."

And just like that, even without him being in her apartment, he completely overtook her senses. She padded over to her bedroom and stretched out on her bed. She pulled her cover up over her and asked, "So, what else did you do today besides be offended by the blueberry distribution at Hummingbird Café?"

BBBBB

"It's weird," Rachel began, sitting with Kurt at a local brunch place. "I feel like I'm cheating on both of them."

"But, you're not," Kurt said. "You're being casual. They both know that."

"I know," Rachel said emphatically. "But I still feel guilty. I go out with Nicholas, and then I talk to Jesse after, and it just…it's _weird_. Do you know he called me a few days ago to look at the moon?"

"Which one? I'm confused."

"Jesse," she said. "He wanted me to see the moon because he thought it was really pretty, and then he asked me about my day, and – get this – he told me that he likes hearing my voice before he goes to bed. I mean…" she trailed off, shaking her head, "…that's like stuff you hear in movies. I can't handle this."

"Are you unhappy?" Kurt asked.

"No," she admitted. "I'm not unhappy. I'm just confused. Because I like them both. Nicholas is sweet and he makes me laugh. But Jesse…is Jesse. He calls me to look at the moon and likes the sound of my voice. That's powerful stuff."

"You know the moon thing happened on _Sex &amp; The City_."

Rachel took a sip of her coffee. "Are you saying you think he's trying to win me over with things he stole from television shows?"

Kurt laughed. "No. I'm just saying if he shows up with a boombox over his head or something, you might need to talk to him."

"Who did the moon thing in _Sex &amp; The City_?" Rachel asked after a moment.

"Steve and Miranda."

Rachel smiled a bit. "I always liked Steve and Miranda. He loved her despite all her neuroses."

Kurt nodded. "You know, I always thought you were a Charlotte, but I actually think you might be more of a Miranda. You're headstrong and driven." "I always thought I was a Charlotte, too, but I could buy that. I guess now I need to find my Steve."

Kurt took a sip of his coffee and said, "Maybe you already have."

BBBBB

That night the cast went out to celebrate one of the show's director's birthdays. Rachel was invited by Nicholas and she slipped into one of her favorite red shirt dresses, showing up an hour or so into the festivities. She'd been nervous to go to a cast event without Jesse's invitation, and it was just about as uncomfortable as she would have imagined. He looked at her in surprise when she walked in and said, "Rachel, what are you doing here?"

Nicholas walked in behind her and slipped an arm around her waist. "That cab driver tried to shake be down for a larger tip because of all the times you made him change the radio station."

"I refuse to listen to Chris Brown music," Rachel held levelly. "And I stand by that decision."

"You're here with Nicholas," Jesse said slowly, glancing between them.

Rachel swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, he told me about tonight and it sounded fun. You know how much I like birthdays."

"I'm glad you could make it then," Jesse said, his voice stilted. There was a sudden strange formality between them considering the night before they had stayed up well past midnight dissecting _Funny Lady_. They'd talked so long that she actually fell asleep while still on the phone.

"What are you drinking?" Nicholas asked her. "I'll get it for you."

"Oh, um, a beer. I'll drink anything."

He nodded. "I'll be right back."

And then there were two. Rachel and Jesse stood alone, and she could feel the discomfort as plainly as if one of them voiced it. So, she did.

"This is sort of weird," she said to fill the silence. "My being here with Nicholas. It's weird, right?"

He shrugged, taking a pull from his beer. "It is what it is."

His aloofness caught her off guard. "It is what it is?"

"Yeah," Jesse said, sitting down on a stool at a nearby table. She edged closer, feeling the tension between them as if it were tangible. "I mean, he's here. You're with him. It is what it is."

"Okay," she said, nodding. "It is what it is. Got it. You've made that…crystal clear."

He stood up from his stool. "I'm going to get another beer."

She watched him walk away, wanting to go after him but not really knowing what to say. Frankly, she'd probably just snipe at him more, and that probably wasn't what either of them needed. The prior exchange had been charged enough.

Nicholas returned with her beer and she was happy to take it from him and take a long pull. The alcohol did little to aid her confusion, but it helped it get pushed a bit from her mind.

She lost track of Jesse throughout the night as she joked around with the rest of the cast, taking part in a loud raucous version of Happy Birthday for their director. It wasn't until close to the bar's close time when she noticed that Jesse was missing. She asked Natalie where he'd gone off to, and she told Rachel that he went out back for some air. She grabbed her cardigan and pulled it over her shoulders before heading back out to join him.

He was seated on the ground, his back against the brick wall of the bar. She settled next to him as she said, "This ground is disgusting."

"Then why are you here?"

"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine," she said. "You were missing for a while. I wanted to check on you. Make sure you didn't fall down a storm drain or something"

"Why would I fall down a storm drain?" he asked in confusion.

"I don't know. I doubt most people intend on falling down storm drains."

"There aren't even any storm drains over here," he continued stubbornly. "So, how could I fall down one?"

"Oh my God, just forget the storm drain, okay?" Rachel groaned. "I was worried when you were gone for so long."

"I'm surprised you noticed," he said glibly. "What with Nicholas all over you and everything."

"He wasn't all over me," she said. "He's barely touched me all night."

"I can't believe he invited you tonight," Jesse said, shaking his head.

"You know we're dating," Rachel said slowly.

"You're not dating. You went on one date. That's not dating. That's…one-dating."

"That makes no sense," Rachel said, feeling irritation begin to spike in her chest. "Look, you knew about the date. You even awkwardly asked about it. I thought you were okay with this."

"I was," he said. "I am. But, hearing about it and seeing it are two completely different things. Seeing you two in there…I didn't like it."

"I'm not going to date him in private," Rachel told him. "That's not fair to me."

"I know it's not," Jesse said, voice labored. "I don't want you to date him in private. I don't want you to date him at all."

"What do you want, then?" she shot back, beginning to feel whiplash from how constantly he changed his position. She began to stand. "Because last I checked, you wanted to be casual. That wasn't me. That was you. You didn't want to commit, and that was fine. I went with it. But it's really not fair to me that you change your tune the minute someone else shows an interest."

Jesse stood up. "Rachel, I don't like that he brought you here tonight. I don't like that he makes you smile, and he touches your arm. I don't like any of it. In fact, I hate it. I hate that he gets to be that person."

"You can't have it both ways," she said heatedly. "You can't say you want to be casual one day and then get jealous when I see other people. That's what we agreed on."

"I know," he said, stepping toward her. "But I don't like that you are going to go back in there to him. And he's going to take you home. That should be me, not him."

She closed the distance between them.

"Are you ready to commit?" she asked challengingly. "Are you ready to move past casual? Because, unless you can answer yes to both of those questions, there is not a single reason I shouldn't go back into that bar."

Her eyes searched his, wanting desperately to see something other than hesitation. She didn't want that. She wanted certainty. She wanted the Jesse that met her on that stage back at McKinley and told her firmly that she belonged in New York. That was who she wanted, but what she found instead was a scared boy.

"Give me a reason," she urged softly. "Just give me one and I won't go back in there."

He leaned in to kiss her but she stopped him, pressing her hands on his chest. She shook her head, tears flooding her eyes. This was the easy way out, and she wasn't willing to take it. He couldn't act out and then just expect her to fall into his arms. She deserved better than that. They both did.

"Say it," she murmured. "Say that you want this. That you want us. Say it, Jesse."

He just stared at her, eyes conflicted and mouth set in an uncertain line. She pushed against his chest out of frustration and stepped away, muttering under her breath as she went back into the bar.

BBBBB

Jesse could barely sleep after his argument with Rachel at the bar, and the next day he knew that he needed at least a large coffee to be able to tackle anything that he had on his errand list before rehearsal. He stood in line, casually listening to the conversation in front of him, when someone cleared their throat behind him. He glanced back nonchalantly, surprised to see Kurt standing there.

"Kurt, hi. How are you?"

"I'm good, thank you," Kurt answered politely. The young man was dressed particularly flamboyant that morning in a pair of periwinkle slacks and a ribbed sweater with a pineapple pattern.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Jesse noted. "I'm happy to see you've kept your sense of style."

"And you've finally broken out of monochromatic colors," Kurt mused, gesturing toward his blue checkered shirt. "Quite the feat."

Jesse laughed a bit, moving up with the line. There was a stretch of silence, Jesse wishing he were closer to the counter, when Kurt said, "Rachel called me crying last night. Any chance that was your doing? Actually, let me rephrase that. Of course it was your doing."

Jesse blanched. "She was crying?"

"I don't understand why you're forcing her to do this stupid casual thing," Kurt said. "You practically stalked her every time you were back in Lima. And now you have her – you actually have her – and you throw it away to date some New York hussies who don't have half the talent she does? I don't get it."

"I don't want to date other people," Jesse said. "That's never what this was about."

Kurt looked at him in confusion. "What about bench girl?"

"Bench girl?"

"Yes, the girl that Rachel saw you with on the bench," Kurt continued testily. "Who was that?"

"An old friend from Vocal Adrenaline," Jesse answered immediately. She'd been visiting New York and insisted that Jesse show her the city sights. She also insisted he pay for most of them.

"Oh really? Do all your old friends paw your upper thigh?"

Jesse sighed. "Madeline's always been touchy feely. But it's not like that. She's like a sister to me."

Kurt stared at him. "It was just a friend. Did you tell Rachel that?"

Jesse shook his head. "It didn't really seem important."

"It didn't…" Kurt trailed off in frustration, shaking his head. "Of course it was important! She thinks you want to be casual because she isn't enough for you! She thinks you're running around New York picking up bench girls!"

In their heated exchange they'd missed the line advance, and a cashier awkwardly went, "Um, can you guys move up?"

Jesse shuffled forward, ordering on autopilot as what Kurt told him settled in. Of course Rachel had taken it that way. As confident as she was, he knew that she had insecurities, particularly where men were concerned, and he had inadvertently exacerbated those insecurities.

He took his coffee and moved over to the side to wait for Kurt. When Kurt joined him he said, "I wanted us to be casual because of how busy the show is making me. My schedule is grueling at best, and I didn't want her to be sitting around waiting for me to call. I figured if we kept things casual she would have lower expectations. I couldn't disappoint her."

Kurt shook his head. "You both are idiots. Seriously. You need to go and tell her all of this. Like, yesterday."

Jesse thought of yesterday, and how she had shown up at the bar with Nicholas. Almost to himself he murmured, "What if she's already moved on?"

"She likes him," Kurt admitted, catching on to what and whom he was referring. "But she wants you."

"I need to see her," Jesse said immediately. "But I have no idea where she is. She probably won't answer her phone if I call her. She was pretty pissed off last night. Extremely pissed off, actually."

"Hold on," Kurt said, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Jesse watched Kurt quickly type something, and then a moment later he said, "She's in the NYADA practice rooms. Think you can take it from here?"

Jesse nodded, feeling adrenaline course through him. It perked him up more than any coffee ever could.

"Thank you, Kurt."

"You're welcome. I just want Rachel to be happy. Because, otherwise, she is always over and I never get to have sex with my husband. So, please, go make her happy."

Jesse nodded. "I'll do my best."

BBBBB

Rachel sat at the piano, plunking out a few notes on the keys before beginning to sing. She'd hardly slept the night before, her argument with Jesse playing over and over in her mind. She didn't stay long at the bar after they fought, making some excuse about getting a headache from the beer. She went straight home and put in _Funny Girl_, but even her favorite movie couldn't quell her poor mood. She'd called Kurt in a mess of tears, complaining about how all she wanted was Jesse, and she couldn't understand why she wasn't what he wanted, too.

_Dashing as the day we met_

_Only there is something I don't recognize_

_Though I cannot name it yet_

_I know it_

_Beautiful is what you are_

_Only somehow wearing a frightening disguise_

_I can see the winter in your eyes now_

_Telling me_

_Thank you_

_We're done here_

_Not much to say_

_We are together_

_But I have had dividing day_

_So when, when was this day_

_Was it on the church steps_

_Suddenly you're out of love_

_Does it come, creeping slowly_

_When was your dividing day_

She lost track of the lyrics and fell silent, slamming her palms down on the piano keys. The mishmash of keys proved to make quite the unpleasant chord, and behind her Jesse remarked, "I don't think that's what comes next."

She glanced back at him, hurriedly wiping at the tears that had left track marks on her cheeks.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," he said simply.

"How did you even know I would be here?" she asked.

He walked over and sat beside her on the piano bench. "Kurt told me. I ran into him in line at Starbucks. We had an interesting conversation."

"What about?"

A single tear escaped her eye and he reached forward and caught it with the edge of his thumb. "You."

"Well, I assure you that whatever he told you is not true. Kurt tends to embellish."

"I don't think he did here," Jesse mused. "Besides, a lot of what we discussed was also myself, and I happen to think he was spot on. Uncanny, even." He paused. "I want you to know that the girl you saw me with before was only a friend."

"A friend," Rachel repeated.

"And I don't want to date other people," Jesse continued. "I never did. I was afraid that going all in would lead to me disappointing you, but I did that anyway. I never meant to hurt you and I never want to again. I want to make you happy, and _only_ you."

Rachel clasped her hands tightly in her lap.

"Jesse, what are you saying?"

He grinned, reaching forward and taking her face in his hands. "I'm saying yes to both of those questions you asked me last night."

**A/N: I finally watched the finale and - SQQQUUUEEE! We all know where this is heading now. And I am so freaking ridiculously happy.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I could not be happier that the St. Berry ship has set sail once again! I hope you all enjoy this!**

Chapter Four

Jesse turned the gas off on the stove, sliding the last two slices of French toast onto a plate. He set it on the table, along with the bowl of chopped fruit (strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries – Rachel's favorites), and a tall pitcher of fresh orange juice. Him and Rachel took turn cooking breakfast, the one with the slower morning typically claiming that day's fare. Today, Jesse didn't have rehearsal until after lunch – the perk of a director who enjoyed morning spa appointments – and he was happy to pick up that morning's breakfast.

He went to start the breakfast when he heard Rachel loudly go, "You mother trucker!"

Intrigued, he began to head toward the bedroom when she strode past him, hair up in her high sleep bun and flannel pajamas all rumpled from a good night's sleep. He turned and watched her pull open the hallway closet door and grab a Swiffer. She strode right past him again into her bedroom.

"Uh, Rach? Everything okay?" he asked, following her to the bedroom.  
"We had a deal," she snapped. "We had an _understanding_. If it stayed out of

sight I wouldn't touch it. But, it couldn't do that. It had to go _right _above the doorway to my bathroom. AND I REALLY HAVE TO PEE."

He followed the direction of her ire all the way up to the sizeable spider perched above the doorway to her bathroom. New York wasn't filled with too many insects outside of the ubiquitous cockroach, but when it did insects it did them big.

There were many questions that he had. First, why did she have a Swiffer? Second, how had neither of them noticed the gigantic spider hanging out a few feet from them? But, before either of those questions he had to ask, "Did you really strike a deal with a spider?"

"Of course I did," Rachel returned, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Like everyone did it.

(They didn't.)

"Did you both sign on the dotted line? Because, if not, he may have one of his eight legs to stand on for his reappearance."

Rachel glared at him. "You are not funny."

"A little," he tried, unable to stop the grin that pulled at his mouth. "You have to admit. That was a little funny."

She stepped forward, brandishing the Swiffer like a sword.

"What are you going to do with that?" he asked, watching her nearly take out her beside lamp.

"I'm going to kill that son of a bitch," Rachel returned levelly. "And then I will rejoice over its mangled body."

"I never expected those words to come out of your mouth," Jesse said slowly. "Or for you to be holding a Swiffer when you said them."

"Shush," Rachel chastised. "I need complete focus."

She set herself up like a pro-baseball player before a big game. She lined the head of the Swiffer up with the spider, making sure the head was properly tilted into a completely flat position. She did a few experimental swings before taking a deep breath and smacking the wall.

Naturally, the spider dropped to the ground and immediately began to scurry toward anywhere that did not include the two large humans out for arachnid blood. Rachel yelped, smacking at the ground ineffectually as she jumped from one foot to another. Jesse, wanting to be helpful but also painfully aware of his bare feet, jumped back and surveyed the ground, spotting the damned creature scurrying over toward her bookstand. He grabbed the nearest object and descended on it, crushing it with a resounding thud.

Rachel watched in horror as he drew back her favorite Barbra Streisand biography. She kept it on her nightstand for the nights she couldn't fall asleep. Now, she would never touch it again.

Jesse turned over the book, wincing when he saw the splotch of spider right over Bab's left eye. He didn't even have to look at Rachel to know that she was silently mourning the loss of her book. He quickly went over to the bathroom and wet a wadded-up Kleenex before gently cleaning off the front of the book. Content with his work, he went back and presented the book to her.

"Good as new!" he said.

"Just put it on my desk," Rachel said in a low voice, pointing to the other side of the room. "The book has been tainted. There is no coming back from that."

"Oh come on, it's not that bad. Look, you can hardly see anything!"

She shook her head, walking out of the bedroom. Faintly Jesse could hear her let out a string of expletives that would have made HBO executives blush.

BBBBB

Rachel sat at a coffee shop near NYADA, trying to drown out the conversation beside her with some Celine Dion. Common Grounds was practically a NYADA student haunting ground, and there was rarely an afternoon that Rachel did not head there for a quick coffee between classes and see at least a few classmates. The group beside her today was a year above her. One wore the typical dancer's garb – leggings and one of those drape-y shirts that Rachel always wanted to wear but swallowed her small frame. The other two were the typical voice students, one reading over sheet music while the other sipped a mint tea that she repeatedly said she hoped would cure her sore throat because she could not blow the audition she had later that week.

It became harder to not listen when they began talking about the spring showcase. The big night was only a few days away, and nearly every conversation between NYADA students (or one NYADA student and his or her unfortunate companion) inevitably turned toward the showcase.

"Can you believe that Rod Hendricks is going to be there?" the dancer said conspiringly. "I mean, that's the big time. He just produced Sutton's last show."

"I know," mint-tea-girl said. "Rumor has it that he's developing a new show. You know what means. New talent. Fresh blood."

"You think he'll choose someone from NYADA?" sheet-music-girl asked with wide eyes. "I mean…that's what you're saying, right?"

Mint tea shrugged. "I'm not saying anything. But, it seems like pretty good timing to go watch a showcase of the city's best talent, doesn't it?"

Rachel couldn't argue her logic, and neither did the girl's friends. Rachel tried to focus on the music playing in her ears, and to sip her coffee and not think any more about what they were saying, but it was futile. The seed had been planted and there was little she could do to stop her mind from wandering.

She shouldn't care. She turned down a lead role in a new musical to go back to school. She needed training not experience. She'd have all the time in the world to gain experience, but this was time for training and skill and she couldn't let herself get sidetracked. Not again.

Besides, there was no guarantee that she would be the one asked to be sidetracked. She'd been lucky once, but she was not naïve enough to believe that she was the only one in the crop of NYADA people who could catch a producer's eye. The school was filled with talented people, and she told herself that this was their time. Hers would come when she was ready.

"Okay, I wasn't going to tell you guys the best part but I can't not tell you," mint tea continued. "The musical already has a male lead. Norbert Leo Butz."

Rachel dug her fingernails into her palm.

BBBBB

"Norbert Leo Butz. Did you hear me? Nortbert Leo Butz! The original Jamie! The original Fiyero! The original…whatever that Tom Hanks role was in _Catch Me If You Can_! Bottom line, this is big. This is really big!"

Rachel met Jesse during one of his off-scenes at rehearsal and paced back and forth in his dressing room as she went through what she'd heard at the coffee shop.

"I am so happy to be back at NYADA," Rachel continued. "I feel like I'm really growing. I'm becoming a better performer every day, and that's what I wanted. I wanted to hone my craft. But…"

"Norbert Leo Butz," Jesse finished, nodding his head. "I get it. That's persuasive stuff. But – "

"I knew you'd have a but," Rachel said, shoulders slagging with relief. "Thank you for having a but."

Jesse smirked. "There will be more shows. There will be more opportunities. I don't fault you for leaving the first time. It was _Funny Girl_. I would have never expected you to turn that down. But now you've gone back and this is the time for you to learn and grow. Your time to star with Broadway giants will come, Rachel. I know it will. But, you don't have to do it all at once."

Rachel nodded, gathering her hair in her hand and pushing it over one shoulder. "You're right. I know you are. But, what if I get another chance to go on Broadway _now_. How can I say no to that?"

"I don't know," Jesse said truthfully. A show was persuasive, especially when it had big names attached to it. "But if that happens, I'll be here and I will support you no matter what you decide, okay?"

She stepped forward and slid her arms around his waist, resting her cheek on his chest. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head, and she closed her eyes. There was something about his presence that was calming. It hadn't used to be like that. In the beginning it was like a kick to her nervous system and then for a short period something much less pleasant, but they'd settled into this domestic complacency, where something as simple as a hand on her arm could bring her down from whatever mania she'd worked herself into.

"I shouldn't even be worrying about this. There are so many other students. Odds are he won't even look at me."

Jesse pulled back slightly. "Excuse me?"

"I had my chance with _Funny Girl_ and I ruined it. God, I wouldn't even be surprised if I'm semi-blacklisted. I walked out on the show to pursue some failed TV venture."

Jesse knew that what happened with _Funny Girl _and her TV show was something that haunted Rachel, although she rarely talked about it.

"Okay, questionable prior choices aside, you have every reason to believe this producer will be looking at you. You're Rachel Berry. You are amazing and beautiful and unbelievably talented. He'd be an idiot if he didn't consider you."

"I wish I never did that stupid TV show," Rachel sighed. "I don't know what I was thinking."

Jesse chuckled and glibly returned, "I don't either."

She laughed, hitting his chest lightly. "You can think that but you're not supposed to say it."

"I believe in complete honesty."

"Oh really?" she challenged with a mocking grin. "Like how you made me believe for weeks that you wanted to see other people?"

"I'm a work in progress," he returned with a shrug. "And, for the sake of honesty, I probably should tell you that not seeing other people for the past two months has made me happier than I think I've ever been. Even with that forced viewing of _The Last Five Years _movie."

"It was not that bad," she said, rolling her eyes. "You're just a drama queen when it comes to adaptations. But, for the sake of honesty, I've been really happy, too." She went up on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss. "Thank you for listening to my freak outs. Your attention is much appreciated."

"That was hardly a freak out," he said. "And, I like being there for you. Giving advice. Providing guidance." He paused for a second and said, "This must be what Oprah feels like."

She pointed at a chair over by his mirror and asked, "Do you have a prize for me under there, too?"

He laughed, pulling her against him. "No. But I can think of a few you can enjoy later."

"That was unbelievably corny. Really. You need better material."

"But you love it."

She paused, a warmth spreading in her chest. Softly she murmured, "Yeah. I do."

BBBBB

The spring showcase took place on a Saturday, largely Rachel thought so that the school could throw in another word of alliteration. Saturday Spring Showcase. The phrase had been thrown around in every single class that week, and even more in the crowded hallways. The news of the producer attending the showcase spread, and it was all anyone could talk about. It was a sort of performing frenzy, everyone in a dither at the prospect of being picked up as the next hot thing.

Rachel had been that last year, and while it had its perk she knew from experience that it was everything that the street-to-stage movies promised. With that attention and admiration comes temptation. Like a TV pilot that draws you away from the dream you had since you were four.

Rachel promised herself that she wouldn't let the talk and jitters get at her. She was a professional and that was how she would approach this showcase. It was a performance, just like any other, and she wouldn't let herself get distracted. The only thing she needed to worry about was sounding her best, not who was in the audience.

"I think I want a somber color," Rachel said, skimming her eyes over the three outfits Kurt had pulled from her closet. "_Still Hurting _is this gut wrenching emotional ballad. I can't wear pink."

"So, I'm guessing this is a no?" Kurt asked, grabbing the pink shift he'd chosen. "It looks really good with your skin tone."

"I can't be singing about losing the love of my life in bubblegum pink. It's completely wrong."

She strode over to her closet and began flipping through outfits. As her hand closed around a hanger holding a black lace dress, Kurt said behind her, "No black. This is a night to shine, not a funeral."

"Black is appropriate for all occasions," Rachel countered, pulling out the dress and holding it in front of her. "Plus, it's lace. I think lace always adds something special."

"It looks like you're in mourning," Kurt deadpanned.

"I'm supposed to be. I am mourning the loss of the man I loved. I think this is perfect."

Jesse opened the door to her bedroom and peeked his head in.

"Hey, we need to get going soon if we want to take the subway." His eyes travelled to the dress in her hand. "You're not wearing that, are you?"

Rachel frowned. "What's wrong with it?"

"It's black."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, out. Both of you out."

The boys protested as she pushed them out of her bedroom, deciding that getting dressed was a task better done alone. She went to slip into the black lace number but then sighed and went back to her closet, flitting from one dress to the next. She settled on a cerulean blue number with a fitted waist and scalloped bottom. She added some gold jewelry and then walked outside.

"Now that is a showcase dress," Kurt said appreciatively. As an afterthought he added, "And you still look very somber."

"Oh shut up. Let's just go."

BBBBB

The nerves at Beacon Hall – where the showcase took place – were palpable, so much that Rachel stepped closer to Jesse as they moved toward the auditorium, needing the calming effects of his arm brushing against hers. He sensed her nerves and took her hand, squeezing it gently.

Kurt and Blaine walked behind them, chatting amicably about something that Rachel couldn't really follow, nerves pulled too tightly to take part in any actual conversation. She didn't know why she was so nervous. This wasn't her. She attacked performances like a prize fighter, but she couldn't ignore the coiling in her stomach and tightness of her jaw.

"I'm going to walk Rachel over to the performer's area," Jesse told the pair. "Do you guys mind getting our seats?"

Blaine shook his head. "Not at all. Good luck, Rachel. We can't wait to see you!"

"You are going to look and sound stunning," Kurt said, going over to Rachel and giving her a quick hug. The pair departed toward the theater and Jesse said, "Remember, this is what you've been working toward. You are ready for this, so just go out there and do what you love."

She nodded, and when they stopped to the entrance to slip backstage she reached up up and gave him a tight hug. He kissed her cheek and murmured, "I can't wait to see you up there."

"If I choke for some reason just start singing _The Schmuel Song _really loudly to distract everyone, okay?"

He chuckled and told her, "You're not going to choke."

"I know," she said. "But if I do…"

"_Nah nah nah nahhh_," he sang, bringing a smile to her face. She nodded and said, "Good. I'll see you out there."

"I'll be the one ridiculously proud of his girlfriend and silently judging everyone else."

"I wouldn't have it any other way. Okay, I really do have to go and warm up." She reached up and gave him another kiss. He lingered for just a second, not wanting to go but understanding how important a proper warm up and a few moments of silence were before a performance.

Jesse walked into the theater and easily found his seat with Kurt standing and waving for him in his orange suit jacket and gold lame button up underneath. Blaine was the more conservative of the pair, but not much in his maroon and yellow plaid suit.

"How much is she freaking out?" Kurt asked Jesse, crossing his legs primly in front of him.

"She's okay," Jesse assured him. "Just normal pre-show jitters."

"She doesn't get those."

"She's going to be fine," Jesse said. "She's going to be more than fine."

BBBBB

Rachel stood backstage, doing the breathing exercises her voice teacher had taught her back during _Funny Girl _when nerves were a constant companion. She could just hear her teacher.

_"Nerves make the voice small! You want a big voice! So, breathe!"_

In and out.

In and out.

Innnnn.

Ouuuuuttttt.

She could feel her nerves pull away like a peel from a banana. It started in her stomach, the coil loosening and then she could feel warmth fill her from her head to her fingertips. She flexed her hands, feeling energy course through them. This was her moment. It was the redemption she'd dreamed of ever since she left Broadway and entered the fickle world of television, a place she'd never return.

This was where she belonged, and tonight was her chance to prove that. It was her chance to show that while she may have made a mistake changing course, she was back on the right one. She was back on the stage and she would never leave again.

Rachel was near the end of the showcase, and she idly listened to the other performances as she continued her breathing exercises and went over the lyrics in her head. The last thing she needed was to go out there and blank on the lyrics halfway through.

A tall soprano named Erin went right before her, and Rachel waited in the wings as she watched Erin perform. She'd been happy to learn Erin went before her. They were so different musically.

She actually enjoyed listening to the aria Erin had chosen for the showcase. Erin was the best operatic voice in their class, yet she sang without any affect. She approached the music with due respect, and that is something Rachel admired. Too often great talents think of music as a means to showcase their voice, rather than their voice as a way to showcase the music.

When the end of the song neared Rachel moved her hands down the front of her dress, smoothing away any wrinkles. She reached up and made sure her earrings were secured, her necklace was straight. Lastly she smoothed her hair, and did one more round of breathing exercises. By the time she was finished, Erin had sang her last note.

The auditorium erupted in applause and Erin dropped into a curtsy. She exited in Rachel's wing and grasped her arm tightly as she passed, cheeks rosy and grin wide.

"You sounded beautiful," Rachel said.

"Thank you! Good luck out there!"

Rachel nodded, taking a deep breath as she waited for her name to be called. When it was she took one last calming breath before walking out, the stage lights blinding.

BBBBB

"Oh, there she is," Kurt whispered, grasping both Jesse's and Blaine's arms tightly. "She looks so great."

"Yeah, she does," Jesse echoed.

Rachel took her place in front of the microphone, reaching up and adjusting it slightly. She glanced over at the pianist and gave him a small nod. With the first few notes of the song, Rachel reached up and smoothed her hair away from her face. In that small gesture, she was transformed. Before them was not a performer, but a woman. One so vulnerable and broken that Jesse could see people lean forward in their seat.

_Jamie is over and Jamie is gone._

_Jamie decided it's time to move on._

_Jamie has new dreams he's building upon._

_But I'm still hurting._

Jesse had goosebumps, and he knew he wasn't the only one. The room was charged with energy, and it was from her. It was all her.

_Jamie arrived at the end of the line._

_Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine._

_Jamie is probably feeling just fine._

_But I'm still hurting._

_What about lies, Jamie?_

_What about things that you swore to be true?_

_What about you, Jamie?_

_What about you?_

Entering the second verse, Rachel had the entire audience in her palm. They felt for her, and that was exactly what she wanted. She wanted them to hurt, like she hurt. To grieve, like she grieved.

_Jamie is sure something wonderful died._

_Jamie decides it's his right to decide._

_Jamie has secrets he doesn't confide._

_And I'm still hurting._

_Go and run and hide away._

_Run away._

_Go and find something better._

_Go and ride the sun away._

_Run away, like it's simple, like it's right_

_Give me a sign Jamie_

_Bring back the lines_

_Throw them back on the wall_

_Maybe I'd see how you can be so certain that we had no chance at all_

It was the final verse, and Rachel could feel the buzz of the performance coursing through her. She always felt a certain connection to the last verse. It made her think of her own life, and how everyone in Los Angeles had turned on her after the series failed. She'd been their shining star during filming, but the moment it became clear she wouldn't turn a profit for them, they abandoned her. It had hurt her immensely when she came to the realization that to them she was only a number. Only worth the profits she could accrue.

_Jamie is over and where can I turn_

_Covered with scars I did nothing to earn_

_Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn_

_But that wouldn't change the facts_

_That wouldn't speed the time_

_Once the foundation's cracked_

_And I'm still hurting._

Her last note rang through the auditorium, and the audience sat in silence. Kurt stood up and began to clap, and soon the rest of the audience joined him, coming up to their feet. The applause filled the auditorium, jumping off the walls and floor, filling the room completely. Rachel laughed out of surprise, covering her mouth with her hand. When she recovered she dropped into a dainty bow and then headed out stage left, her heart full.

BBBBB

Jesse, Kurt, and Blaine waited outside of the auditorium for Rachel after the showcase concluded. The minute she joined them she launched herself into Jesse's arms, burying her face in his neck. He held her tightly and murmured, "You were stunning up there, Rachel. Absolutely stunning."

"It felt good," she said, stepping back. "It felt really good."

"You were by far the best," Kurt said loudly. "No one else got a standing ovation."

She grinned. "Thank you for starting that, by the way."

"You deserved it. I don't know what you were channeling up there, but it worked. It really did."

A man walked over and said, "Excuse me for intruding. Ms. Berry, I just have to tell you how inspiring your performance was."

"Thank you."

He held out his hand. "I'm Rod Hendricks. You have quite the talent."

Rachel froze, eyes going wide. Jesse nudged her in the side and she quickly recovered, taking Rod's hand and giving it the firm patented Rachel Berry handshake.

"Thank you, Mr. Hendricks. It's an honor to meet you. I've heard so much about you."

"Hopefully good things," he said with a small chortle. "Anyway, I have to run. But, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your performance."

"Thank you so much. That's just…thank you."

He nodded to the other three and then walked away, drawing stares and whispers in his wake. Rachel grabbed onto Jesse's arm and said in a low voice,  
"Did that just happen?"

He laughed, slipping his arm around her waist. "Yeah. It really did."


End file.
